


not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be

by poseidon



Category: Succession (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poseidon/pseuds/poseidon
Summary: Shiv sits in her car until she can piece herself back together.





	not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be

There’s a day where Shiv’s bored and she looks through the wedding album. This may be the first time and it may be the only time, but it’s at the very least the only time she can remember. Her fingers, small and still stubby, run over the faces of her parents. They’re just as unrecognizable as everyone else.

At some point, she finds herself in her father’s lap, his arms over hers, turning the pages for her. “Oh, there’s Frank. Fuck, he’s gotten fat.”

She giggles, covering her mouth with her wrist, before looking up at him and asking – something. The question itself doesn’t matter. Something like, will I have a wedding like this? or can I get some juice? or some other dumb childish shit.

It’s his response that matters. He cups her face with his hand and says, “You can have anything you want.”

* * *

“Hey, Conner?” Shiv lifts her head from the couch and turns to look at him. “What’s it like, disappointing Dad?”

Connor swallows his coffee too fast and spills some on his lap. “Shit,” he mumbles, trying to wipe his pants off with his shirt. She watches him fiddle around before finally giving up and sighing. “Well, he’s not really _disappointed_ in me, per se…”

“He still hasn’t visited your ranch or whatever.”

“You haven’t visited Austerlitz yet either,” Connor retorts.

Shiv shrugs, offhanded, uncaring. “I’ve been, you know, busy.”

He frowns for a bit, but doubt starts to cloud his features and he presses his lips together. “You don’t… you don’t actually think he’s disappointed in me, do you?”

“No,” she says, because that’s the right thing to say. “No, no, I was just joking.”

“Okay, good,” Connor nods. “That’s good.” And then, because he can’t stand long silences, he clears his throat, “so do you want to visit Austerlitz sometime soon? I’ve got more than enough room if you want to, uh, bring someone special.”

The weird look in Connor’s eyes is more than enough to turn her off dating forever. She gives him a tight smile. “I’ll – I’ll think about it.”

* * *

The way she reasons it, is that it wouldn’t matter whether she tells him about it or not. They’d see her last name, they’d know she’s a Roy, and even if he didn’t – even though he _isn’t_ – pull some strings to help her get the job, they’d still be wary of rejecting her.

After all, it’s not like they know whether or not she’s close to her father. They don’t know whether she’s going to mention to him that so-and-so rejected her. They don’t know if he’s going to retaliate in some way.

She’s probably scaring them shitless with just the application, really. No need to further their fears by giving them a call from Logan and having him pull some strings. And if he did do that, they probably would stick her somewhere pointless and useless because they’d think she’s just some rich kid who doesn’t know shit.

She’s not. She’s smart. She knows things. She’s not like Roman or Connor, falling back on the family name because they don’t have anything else. She knows things. She can do things. She can show them that she’s more than her last name.

Shiv submits her application. She waits until she hears back to tell Logan about it.

* * *

“So,” Roman hums, sitting on the counter of her kitchen. His feet swing and hit the cabinet a couple of times, stopping only when she throws him a tired glare. “So,” he says again. “Politics.”

“Yup,” Shiv replies, only half-paying attention to whatever he’s up to. He’s still got that arrested development thing going on, last time she checked, and it seems he hasn’t changed one bit. At least she won’t have to deal with that as much anymore.

Especially if Logan calls his bluff and gives him that job. Something about movies. She can’t be bothered to remember it right now.

“D.C., huh,” he continues. His gaze follows her as she sets up the coffee machine, extending his hand when she offers him a cup.

“That’s where politics tend to happen,” she says. She leans back against the counter and holds her coffee with both hands, fingers brushing against each other.

“There are also politics happening here,” Roman counters.

Shiv levels him with a look. “What’s the name of our mayor?”

He presses his lips together, actually thinking about it for a few seconds, before continuing on without answering. “I looked up the guy someone said you were gonna be working with.”

“Congrats on learning how to use Google,” she smiles when he sticks his tongue out at her, but it slips off when he puts on his serious face. “What?”

“I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to hate that guy,” he shrugs. “Like, you know, we rail on him at ATN because he’s… I dunno, he wants Dad to shut down or something.”

“Or something,” Shiv says, carefully, she’s not sure what he’s trying to get at. Then again, this is Roman. There probably isn’t much below the surface to get at.

To her point, he shrugs again, leaning back until his head hits the top cabinet. “Are you sure you’re not just doing this to get back at him?”

“Get back at him?” she shakes her head and scoffs.

Roman raises his brow. “Okay,” he says through clenched teeth. “Well, if you’re leaving, can I have this place? I got kicked out. Again.”

* * *

Someone asks for these riding lessons. Maybe it’s her mom, because don’t all mothers want their daughters to be equestrians? Maybe it’s Shiv herself, because all young girls wanna ride horses, don’t they? Or isn’t it ponies?

It is ponies, isn’t it? She wants to ride a pony, first, not a full-grown horse. Ponies are for beginners, for young girls who want to be equestrians. And she’s not sure that’s what she wants but she’s standing here in her riding gear, waiting for her instructor.

The instructor comes by with a pony and Dad shakes his head, “No. Get her a horse.” He declines all of the horses, and it’s not until they bring out a large and imposing steed, one trying to escape its handlers, that he smiles.

“That one.”

He turns to Shiv and Shiv’s eyes widen but she doesn’t say anything. She can’t remember if she wanted this or if someone wanted this for her.

She’s on the horse for maybe three minutes before she’s lying back on the ground. Her new clothes grass-stained, her ears ringing, her vision taking a moment to clear. She wants to give up.

“You’re not going to give up, Siobhan,” Dad says. “You’re not going to give up until you’ve tamed that horse.”

Shiv wipes her eyes with the bottom of her palms and nods. Okay. She’s not a quitter. Okay, she can do this.

* * *

“Shiv,” Kendall says when he picks up. She hasn’t even said anything yet and he already sounds defensive. Fucking Kendall.

“Hey,” Shiv says, calmly, pleasantly, trying to seem like she’s the sane and normal one. Which, all things considered, she is. “How are you?”

“I’m – fine.” He makes an awkward sort of sound. “What, uh, what about you?”

“I’m also fine,” she replies. He’s going to ask about it anyway so she dives right into saying it. “You didn’t RSVP to Dad’s birthday party yet.”

“Oh, uh, when is it?” She tells him and he lets out a vague hum. “Uh huh, I’m, uh, gonna have to check my schedule to see if I’m free that day. Can I call you back?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Kendall doesn’t call back and Shiv doesn’t bother calling again.

* * *

Nate is so easy. Too easy.

Well, considering that she’s the one with her legs spread and he’s the one with his head between them, a hand curled around his thigh while the other struggles to find its rhythm around her clit, Shiv’s the one who’s easy.

But she did give him a chase. She made him wine her and dine her and charm her with his dumb jokes and supposed intellect.

He flicks his tongue and her grip on his hair tightens. He does have nice grip-able hair, she’ll give him that.

Still, Nate is so easy. Well, no, that’s not the right word, is it? Nate knew what she wanted and he played her game well, and now she’s letting him eat her out. There was some stuff in between that. And for what it’s worth, he is funny. And he is smart, sometimes.

And he’s got a pretty decent tongue, sliding around her, trying to figure out what she likes. He wants to give her what she likes, he wants to treat her nice.

_That Nate, he seems nice_ , Logan said, once, when she brought him over. _He seems like he’s treating you well._

Shiv’s fingers dig into Nate’s scalp and before she comes, she decides she’s going to break up with him.

* * *

“What’s your favorite Disney movie?” Tom asks during dinner. It’s their third date, she’s pretty sure, and yet he still acts like he’s reading off of cue cards and trying to figure out what the next step is supposed to be.

It’s not necessarily bad. Just different.

“The Little Mermaid,” Shiv replies easily. “A little after my time but you rarely get kids’ movies with asshole fathers, you know? Plus there’s the whole – you know.” She tugs on a few strands of her hair.

Tom laughs, “I didn’t even notice,” and she’s not sure if that’s just general anxiety or just another layer of weak schmoozing that seems to be his M.O.

“What’s yours?” she asks, out of politeness, not at all because she’s curious.

“Well, it depends if you consider Pixar movies as Disney movies or if they’re their own separate category,” he starts. He moves his hands while he talks and there’s the strangest quality in his voice like he’s trying to impress her even though he’s gotten farther than most men have in the past year.

She lets his voice roll over her, barely listening to the words themselves as the waiter refills her glass, and she lets him slide his hand up her thigh while they make out in the backseat of her car.

“I had a real nice time,” he says, above her, looking down.

“You’re about to have a nicer time,” she tells him, reaching down to unbuckle his belt. His eyes go comically wide and she nearly breaks out into laughter. Oh, that’s new.

* * *

Tom’s loud during sex but not particularly loquacious. It’s mostly just a litany of swears and repetitive “oh yeahs,” “fucks,” and the like. His hair sticks up at odd ends and she can see his back slick with sweat as she grips his hips and fucks into it.

He takes it well. His head is buried in a pillow and he lets out a muffled scream.

It’s somewhere between him calling out her name when he spills into the sheets and him kissing her cheek while he gets up to use the bathroom that Shiv realizes, lying back in bed, that if he asked her to marry him, she’d say yes.

That’s love, right? Deciding that you’re okay with doing the same thing for the rest of your life? Deciding that you’re okay with monotony and ritual and domesticity and all those synonyms?

She stares up at the ceiling until Tom comes back, still naked as he slides under the covers with her. His hands are still a little wet.

“Hey,” he whispers. He smiles at her like she’s everything.

“Hi,” she smiles. She’s not really sure what he means to her yet. How long have they been together? A couple of years? It feels like a long time. Maybe she can handle a lifetime.

* * *

“What the fuck did you do?” Shiv asks, the moment Kendall answers.

There’s a long silence on the other end before he sighs, “I fucked up.” He sounds different, tired, broken, and for a second, she flashes back to his detox.

He’s hung up before she realizes it and she keeps her phone pressed against her ear until it starts buzzing again. Logan Roy’s name pops up on the screen.

She waits until the last possible second to pick up.

* * *

Shiv finds Roman sitting outside, by the pool. He doesn’t notice her until she’s right up beside him, watching his feet splash around as his rolled-up pants start to unfurl in the water.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi,” he replies. He scoots a little to the side so she can sit more comfortably. “Have you heard from Kendall yet?”

“No,” she frowns a little. “I thought he would’ve called you first. He’s always called you first.”

He scoffs, “No, no, he’s always hated me. He thinks I’m useless, I can’t do shit.”

“You two were always close.” The water looks nice, lit up from underneath. Maybe a nice swim would do her some good, take the edge off, get her mind cleared. Then again, she can just take a shower. She’d have to take one anyway.

Roman shrugs. “Yeah, well, now he’s not close with anyone.” He tries to sound dismissive and uncaring but it comes out more torn up and depressed than he probably wanted it to.

They were always very close. Shiv puts a hand on his shoulder and he shrugs it off, standing up to head back inside. His feet leave a wet trail behind him.

* * *

“He’s not coming,” Shiv says, firmly, resolutely. She has her hands stuck in her pockets and keeps her arms firmly pressed together. It better get fucking warmer once all the fireplaces are up and running.

Connor shakes his head. He’s got that stupidly smug look on his face, the one where he thinks he knows he’s right and everyone else is just too ashamed to admit it. “He’ll come.”

“No he won’t,” she sighs. “You know him, when he says he’s going to do something, he’s going to do it, hell or high water.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t mean it when he said he’s not coming to your wedding,” he insists. “He’s gonna come, I’m telling you.”

She resists the urge to roll her eyes. “Uh huh, sure.”

“You’re his favorite, you know.”

Shiv isn’t sure if she wants to scoff, huff, or laugh in his face, so she does all three and walks away.

* * *

Marcia’s sitting in the kitchen when she walks in, poised like she’s waiting to attack. Shiv tightens the robe around her waist. “Hey.”

“Hello,” she replies.

There’s a long silence as Shiv grabs a glass from the cupboard and fills it up from the fridge. She can feel Marcia’s eyes on her, watching her every move, but it doesn’t prepare her for what she says next.

“You’re just like your father, you know.”

Shiv drops the glass and it shatters by her feet.

* * *

Logan tells her she was always his favorite. Shiv sits in her car until she can piece herself back together.

**Author's Note:**

> title from townie by mitski


End file.
